Why Do Some People Burst With Confidence and Others Do Not?

Confidence levels differ because of the limiting beliefs people carry, often formed in childhood or through relationships. If you grew up hearing messages that made you feel worthless or unheard, those beliefs can shape how you show up in the world without you even realising it. The good news is that you can choose to examine those beliefs, understand where they came from, and replace them with ones that actually support you.

Why are some people so confident and assertive and others are not?

Why do some people quake at the thought of talking to strangers?

Is this you?

Do you flounder at the thought of putting forward your ideas?

You are not alone...

Many people sabotage their chances of being heard, of appearing confident. Why is this?

Well for some it is their belief system that holds them back.

Thoughts and beliefs such as:

• "No one would want to hear what I have to say"
• "I have nothing to offer of any value"
• "I'm dumb, who would want to listen to me anyway?"
• "He'll/she'll leave me if I say no to him/her"

Do any of these sound familiar?

These limiting beliefs are very common. Many of my clients, when they first start working with me, have such belief systems.

Take "Rita", who told me she felt worthless. Every time someone asked her to do something, even though she knew she could do it herself and do it well, she would tell them that "person A" could do it better and they should go and ask "A" to do it.

After breaking down where her limiting beliefs had originated and changing them, we worked on her belief in what she could do.

Rita said, "The exercise to recognise her strengths was eye-opening, seeing it written in black and white really made an impact and I am starting to believe in myself far more."

"People with low self-esteem may feel inadequate and have a hard time finding their voice," Marter said.

Others might fear conflict, losing a relationship, criticism, or rejection, she said.

If you're a woman, you might have been raised to set aside your needs and opinions and support and agree with others.

If you're a man, you might have been raised to react aggressively with a "my way or the highway" view.

Or just the opposite, you might want to be completely different. "[These individuals may be] fearful of provoking aggression when they are present in relationships, or of being a jerk like my father was," said Paterson.

The first step in the path to confidence is recognising the beliefs you have that may be holding you back. Once you are aware of what you think and believe, you can examine your beliefs rationally and clearly and decide what you want to do.

Recognising that we can choose to believe whatever we want, that we are the ones in control of our own thoughts, can be immensely powerful and relieving; and can be a surprise for some.

If you have been brought up to think in a certain way, perhaps it has never occurred to you to question those in authority, then it can be a real eye-opener to realise that you can choose to think and believe what you want to. Thoughts that put yourself down or make you feel bad do not have to remain, you can choose to get rid of them.

Following a simple step-by-step process, it is possible to examine each negative and limiting belief we hold, understand where it comes from, and then choose what we want to do about it.

Some questions we can use to examine our beliefs are:

• Does it serve what we want to achieve in our life?
• Does it feel good to believe this about myself?
• Does it make me feel confident when I think it?
• Does it hold me back?

Once we understand where the beliefs we hold that limit us come from, we can start to change them and replace them with more positive and empowering ones.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do some people have more confidence than others?

Confidence differences often come down to the beliefs you've built up over time, many of them formed in childhood or early relationships. If you grew up with messages that told you your voice didn't matter, or that you needed to put everyone else first, those beliefs can sit in the background and hold you back, even when you're perfectly capable of stepping forward.

What are limiting beliefs and how do they affect confidence?

Limiting beliefs are the thoughts you hold about yourself that aren't necessarily true but feel true, things like "I have nothing valuable to offer" or "no one wants to hear what I think." They affect confidence by making you second-guess yourself, stay quiet when you'd rather speak up, or hand opportunities to others even when you're the right person for them.

Can you actually change a limiting belief?

Yes, and it starts with recognising that you're in control of your own thoughts, which can be a real surprise if you've never questioned the beliefs you grew up with. Once you know where a belief came from and whether it's actually serving you, you can choose to let it go and replace it with something that feels more true and more supportive.